Momma's Little Marshmallows
by Pandora.Writing
Summary: GLaDOS gets emotional sending her little marshmallows off to their first day of kindergarten. WARNING: Contains Mr Chubby Beak in a beret. Don't laugh. He's delicate like that.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:** After my little break, I am finally back to write again. Followers on Tumblr voted for a multi chapter happy fic, and I have carefully selected from a list of ideas. This idea was originally only going to be a one-shot, but you already know what I'm like when I attempt to estimate how long something it will be. I say "Oh, it won't be that long. I don't know if I'll have enough material." And then it turns out to be The Garter. So we'll just see what happens here.

Enjoy.

* * *

Were AI's supposed to get nervous?

GLaDOS certainly was.

In fact, the last time she had been this nervous was right before that dangerous, mute lunatic tried to murder her. But this wasn't quite the same. It was a different kind of nervousness. The kind tinged with excitement and possibilities. Also, terror. There was a lot of that.

"Has everyone got their lunches? Quickly now. Get in line. Caroline, stand up straight. This is a mandatory inspection and I won't have any of your shenanigans today. Don't give me that look. I don't care if one of your legs is shorter than the others. Pay attention." GLaDOS admonished.

"Mr Chubby Beak, you're looking very svelte in that cap of yours. Congratulations. You win the award for best dressed. Everyone, look at Monsieur Beak and his fancy avian ways. Take a lesson from this. You must improve. Don't become an embarrassment to me."

The smooth white metal head of the robotic giant leaned in closely to the two turrets and three little birds tucked together in their nest, her optic shining a warm golden light over their puny, feathered bodies. The little beret perched jauntily on the head of Mr Chubby Beak perfectly complimented the little collar and striped tie of his brother in the middle who peeped noisily at their younger sister. She in turn had a tiny red bow stuck to the top of her head with a little bit of PVA glue.

"Francis, stop yelling at your sister. You're making her cry. This is a momentous occasion. Do not fail me. You are the crème de la crème of Aperture Science. That's French for 'better than Black Mesa', if you were wondering. I expect that you will all pass with flying colours. No pun intended. Also, turrets can't fly. Don't even run simulations about it, Charles. I know how your operating system works." GLaDOS briefly turned her attention on the quiet little turret with the backpack and cap.

"Aunty GLaDOS, it's only kindergarten. We don't need to pass anything." A little voice spoke up, causing the AI to swing around with a great groan of creaking metal. The hanging giant eyeballed the little girl who was busy half hiding behind the orange-clad leg of her mother.

"That's easy for you to say. Nobody has high expectations of you. In fact, nobody expects anything from you, except a considerable weight gain in your teen years, leading to acne and a friendless existence. Did anyone ever tell you that you look like your mother?"

GLaDOS backed off a little at the glare and pointed finger she received from the mother in question. "Alright, Tubby. Don't get angry. Or murderous. Or more bulbous than you already are."

"Aunty GLaDOS! That's naughty!" the little girl giggled, taking the hand of the former test subject-turned-mother-of-two. "You shouldn't talk to mommy like that."

The supercomputer heaved a dramatic sigh. "Right as usual. You five have a long way to go if you plan on becoming intellectually superior to these miniature humans we associate ourselves with. You've got excellent breeding, but your conversation topics leave something to be desired. At least learn how to play Uno or Go Fish while you're there, Charles. I'm quite tired of I Spy." GLaDOS looked over at Chell. "He only knows how to look for things beginning with the letter U." She admitted.

"I'm different!" the other turret spoke up, nearly knocking off the bow and fake golden pigtails that were glued to her outer shell as her gun plates flapped wildly.

GLaDOS just winced.

"You'd better keep an eye on Caroline. She has issues."

"I see you!" Charles piped up.

"Good job, Charles. You're very grown up, looking out for your little sister like that. She's..."

"Different." The turret supplied.

"Yes. I was going to go with touched in the head, but different will suffice. FRANCIS! STOP PLUCKING OUT MARGARET'S FEATHERS!" GLaDOS boomed, a single spotlight beaming down onto the nest as the rest of the chamber went dark in a dramatic display that had Chell rolling her eyes.

"You, Mister, are going to be in trouble when you get home. We don't have time for your antics right now. You need to get to school on time, and with that lunatic walking you all there, you may be held up by her frequent desires to frolic in the fields and chew the cud with her bovine counterparts along the way. If she starts that rubbish, I find that purchasing a kebab from the local deli will usually suffice in holding her attention. You may wish to hang it on a string from a stick that you've taped to the top of her head. Of course, all of this requires arms, so unless you can convince the lunatic's offspring to aid you, this may require teamwork. Now, give mommy kisses!"

GLaDOS cooed, letting each of the birds have a go at pecking at her optic.

The turrets however, fell to the floor with a clatter when she swung her core around to kiss them too, knocking them over like a pair of dominos. The supercomputer let out a gasp and quickly shot out a couple of claws to flip them the right side up.

"It's okay! It's okay! No harm done. Nobody saw anything. If I hear from Child Services, I'll know it was you..." she threatened Chell, waving one of the claws about before they clacked nervously under what could only be described as her chin.

The test subject in question stepped forward to lightly pat the supercomputer's claw in reassurance before loading the two turrets into the brand new red wagon that GLaDOS had made for them. The handle was soon passed over to her slightly older son to tug along once the nest of birds had been gently picked up and tucked into a pile of lab coats in the wagon for padding.

"Is everyone ready? Wear your seatbelts. Francis, stop shoving. You have plenty of room."

"Aunty GLaDOS, you're silly!"

"I prefer the term monstrously intelligent. But we do have to work around your appalling lack of a vocabulary. Say science. _Sci-ence_. Science."

"Byeeee!" Marie crooned up at her sweetly, leaping up as high as she could to latch her sticky little fingers around the supercomputer's face plate to drag her down for a hug.

"I don't know why I put up with you." GLaDOS sighed, but it was hardly out of malice. "And you...I know you." She turned to the older boy, who stared up at her with a grumpy look on his face. "John."

"No."

"Gary."

"No."

"Barry."

"No."

"Reginald?"

"It's George."

"That was my next guess. Georgie Porgie pudding and pie. Never wanted to test because the cake was a lie. When the bots came out to play, Georgie Porgie was too tubby to do anything but jiggle. That's okay though. You get that from your mother's side of the family."

"That's not how that goes. That's stupid." He huffed. "Can we go now, mom?"

"Hm. I thought it was quite inspired. Go on then. Just _go_. Leave me here all by myself. _Alone_. Unloved. You monsters." GLaDOS let another wistful sigh escape through her speakers, though was secretly pleased at the grumbling that George gave as he shuffled over and gave the supercomputer a half-hearted hug.

Looking on with a smile sneaking across her features, Chell ushered her two children off with the gaggle of turrets and birds in tow, the wagon wheels squeaking with each rotation. It had been a long road to get where they were today. She had made good on the opportunity that had been given to her when GLaDOS had allowed her to leave. It had taken a while to get back on her feet after all that occurred, but she had found a home in a small town not far from the remains of Aperture Laboratories. A young man had convinced his parents to let the half-starved and exhausted test subject live with them for a while. Although he had insisted she take his bed instead, Chell had slept on the couch. She'd slept for a long number of hours once the adrenal vapours had worn off, and with that came the resulting crash. But Martin had looked after her and nursed her back to health. They'd ended up having two beautiful children together, and on Marie's third birthday, she'd finally taken the step of returning to Aperture Science. That wasn't to say she hadn't tried it once before, but GLaDOS had hardly been happy to see her that first time.

But seeing little Marie poking out from behind her mother's leg had done something to the supercomputer's insides that she hadn't particularly liked at first. She'd gone all...mushy. And then the little brat had to gather the courage to toddle over and smack her dumpy little lips all over her optic and smudge it all up. And that was the end of that chapter of their lives. Chell had eventually convinced Martin to build a small house closer to Aperture, and eventually introduced him to GLaDOS. He didn't particularly like going down there though, and only visited if Chell was in attendance. He'd thought the place creepy; though she couldn't have expected him to understand that part of her life, even if he now believed it.

But the children loved their Aunty GLaDOS and her shenanigans. After all, who else in their lives could let them play God with the lives of robots and all sorts of wacky inventions and gel? Much to their mother's consternation, of course.

But GLaDOS's exposure to the children had been a good thing in the end, as once Chell had gotten over her initial fear of having the scientist in her whisk them away for testing, she soon found that they were the ones that had the supercomputer wrapped around their little fingers. They'd turned her into a gooey pile of melted circuits; a clucky mother hen that doted over their fragile human bodies until she just had to get some of her own. And so GLaDOS had adopted the birds and the two turrets as her own children. It was a strange family to be sure, but they kept her busy when Chell, Marie and George weren't around.

_They'll be fine._

Chell mouthed, squeezing one of the AI's jittering claws as she walked past to join them all in the elevator. GLaDOS just let out an almost inaudible wheeze as she turned towards the slowly ascending contraption.

Soon they would be out of her life for a whole day. Who knows if they'd even want to return to their home. They'd never been on the surface before. Hopefully the other children wouldn't bully them. Mr Chubby Beak was ever so delicate. Just like a marshmallow.

Oh, this was terrible.

Was she making the right decision in sending them off to kindergarten? They could, after all, just be home-schooled. No, she had to be strong for them. Never show fear. She'd taken on that lunatic, been shoved into a potato, and had her facility ruined by a moron. She'd survived all of that, and she would survive this too.

GLaDOS waved her claws at them, straining as far towards the elevator as she could.

"MOMMA'S PROUD, BABIES! MOMMA'S PROUD!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note:** Oh man, it's been a while since I last updated. I'd intended to write this story really quickly, so I'm sorry about that. Technically I should be studying for the dreaded IV Medications calculations test right now, but instead I'm writing about robots and birds. Could have done it any other time, but I picked now. I think it was because I had an idea for an Aria T'Loak fanfiction, even though I've never played Mass Effect and I wanted to write. Then again, I hadn't played Portal either and Strange Bedfellows turned out alright.

Anyway, I should probably get this out of the way before I go starting other things. I might end up just doing this as an "update whenever I don't have anything else to do" kind of story. I don't know any more!

* * *

The wheels of the wagon squeaked and clattered along with a tremendous din; the chrome coating of its undercarriage so new that it shrieked loudly every time the spinning discs were asked to overcome its friction. As it rattled along the loose gravel, it did a much better job scaring away the birds in the golden fields of wheat than any of the scarecrows ever did. However, the three little birds that were currently being jiggled around inside the cart were only adding to the racket as they squawked in protest. Marie, however, was adamant that they were singing along to whatever made-up tune she'd been humming while she skipped along by their side. George, of course, was the poor pack horse that got to tug it along and get yelled at every time he messed up her song with his grumbles for silence.

Chell just trailed behind the procession with a self-satisfied smile and her hands digging into her pockets; more than content to just watch her kids bicker. Of course, that was until the sunlight reflecting off the shiny new paint kept flashing in her eyes and she was forced to pull out a pair of sunglasses so as not to go blind as well. With her husband's shiny aviators protecting her, the former test subject ran at her daughter with a dramatic roar, her hands outstretched. Once she'd gotten a frightful squeal out of the girl, she scooped her up in one fluid motion and deposited her on her shoulders with two little fists digging into her hair for something to hold onto. The squeal soon turned to giggles and a sloppy kiss as Marie leaned over her mother's head.

"Yaaay! I can see everything up here!"

"No you can't. There's nothing except wheat." George

"Yuh huh! Can too! I can see school now cos mommy's really big!"

"Oh, now you're on me with the fat jokes too, huh?" Chell looked up and stuck her tongue out at her daughter, who attempted to catch the offending organ in her little fists. The test subject only ended up having her cheeks stretched out far beyond what they were supposed to, revealing two rows of pearly white teeth.

George, however, was the one that was stuck with having to look at the hideous expression.

When making chomping noises at him only served to make him roll his eyes and turn away, Chell just gave a non-committal shrug and turned her attentions back to seeing that her daughter was amused. It wasn't hard to make her giggle by bouncing around like a pony and neighing loudly.

"You two are stupid. And do you really have to wear that stupid jumpsuit all the time, mom? All my friends think you're weird. Like a janitor. Or a prison escapee." George groaned again as they came to the gates of the school.

"I think it's stylish. Sets me apart. I'm like a fashion icon." She posed.

"Yeah. Fashion icon of stupid. All the parents are staring. They're all gonna think I'm friends with weirdos."

To her credit, Chell took it all in stride and made sure to give him an extra large and embarrassing kiss and wave as he dropped the handle of the wagon and raced off to meet his friends. _Boys_. Shaking her head, the dark-haired woman wandered over to Marie's teacher to introduce her to the new rag-tag gaggle of students. If such a term could even be applied.

The woman had surely seen her fair share of oddities in the school system - having come from the city - but Chell wasn't entirely certain that she'd ever seen anything quite like what she was bringing in that day. Birds and robotic turrets were probably at the more unbelievable end of the spectrum, especially in this area.

The tiny, dilapidated little school yard was home to several brick and weatherboard buildings that had seen better days. With such a small town, children of all ages and year levels from kindergarten to high school were housed there. There were less than a hundred students in total and many were taught in classes of mixed year levels. George, however, was much older than his little sister and wasn't in any of her classes. So it would be Marie's class that the turrets and birds would be attending.

"Chell! It's good to see you again. Oh, this must be my new students!"

"Hi Miss!" Marie enthusiastically cut in.

"I have to admit, you're taking this better than I thought you would." Chell laughed. "These are my friend's..._children_."

"Ah, yes. Well, I can't say I've ever taught _birds_ before, but it has started to become a trend in the city to send artificially intelligent constructs to school with one's children to both record their daily lessons for homework and study purposes, as well as to increase their human interactions and develop social skills."

"I'm not entirely sure you'll get much out of these two, to be honest. That's Charles and Caroline." Chell pointed to the two turrets. "And that's Francis, Margaret, and Mr Chubby Beak with the beret. I'd suggest using his whole name if you don't want strongly worded letters from his..._mother_. She's rather picky about these things. He's her favorite." She whispered conspiratorially.

"Oh. Well. Okay then..."

Suddenly having three birds and two talking Pez dispensers in her class seemed a whole lot more complicated than what it had sounded like over the phone.

"...-and Mr Chubby Beak has to be fed at midday exactly. He eats worms. They are in his lunch box. Oh, and you'll have to crush his worms for him a little, but not too much. He likes some texture, but he'll choke if the pieces are too big. He gets belly aches if you deviate from his carefully structured meal plan. He's _very_ delicate." Chell reminded the increasingly frazzled teacher, doing her best to hold back her own ever-increasing grin.

_Finally..._Someone else to share the torturous pain of MotherDOS with.

* * *

When Chell left the school grounds and started back toward her house, she made sure to let out a joyous cry; throwing her arms up in the air and spinning about. School was back in.

"FREEEEEDOOOOMMM!"

Apparently squeaky new carts weren't the only things that scared away all the animals in the near vicinity after all.

"What was that, honey?" Mark poked his head out the door, drying his soapy hands upon a dish cloth.

The former test subject didn't answer. Instead she chose to corner her unsuspecting husband in the living room where she could most effectively pounce upon him with arms outstretched and a wolfish grin on her face. With her fingers deeply woven into the front of his shirt the poor male hardly stood a chance as she leapt upon him and knocked them both back onto the couch with a licentious growl.

"Kids are gone. All day. You're _mine_."

"Oh shi-..."

* * *

"So, now that we've all introduced ourselves to our new students, I'd like to-...Francis, please stop eating your name tag." the harried Miss Epstein sighed, barely heard of the giggles of her class full of kindergarteners. "Maths. We're going to do some maths."

"Forty-two!"

"Yes, Charles. Maths involves numbers. But we need to put them together so that-"

"Sixteen!"

"I meant in a sum, like-"

"Four!"

Marie quickly slapped her hands over her own mouth and buried her face against her desk as she tried to stop herself from laughing with the rest of the children as Charles kept interrupting. He was going to be in so much trouble when they got home, but it was awfully funny coming from a turret wearing shorts and a baseball cap.

"I was thinking more like...What is the answer to three plus three? Perhaps you can tell us, Charles, since you know so many numbers?"

The little white turret with his unblinking red eye sat silently for a moment behind his desk, perched awkwardly in his chair. Miss Epstein wasn't the only one who got a fright when the recording of a booming male voice came out of his speakers in replacement of his normally squeaky and childlike voice.

"Seventy million dollars!"

"Uh, no, it's-"

"Tell 'em, Caroline."

"The answer is beneath us." The little turret with the pigtails replied, prompting several of the students to look under their desks.

"All I can see is gum, Miss." One boy called out.

"Three plus three is boogers!" another joined in, getting another round of uproarious laughter.

All Miss Epstein could do was sigh and shake her head. It was far too early in the day for a migraine, and she did her best to will it away while squeezing the bridge of her nose.

"I don't get paid enough for this."

"Get mad!"

* * *

"Mom! Dad! We're home! Charles got in trouble for talking back to the teacher! And I'm hungry!" George yelled into the house, letting the screen door slam loudly behind him. Kicking off his dusty shoes in the corridor and dumping his backpack next to them, the young male stomped his way into the kitchen to messily slap together a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to cram into his gullet.

Marie, however, was left to fend for herself in getting the door open; having stopped to pick some daisies from the front yard to give to her mother. But she soon joined her brother in standing stock still at the doorway of the kitchen, looking at their father who was holding a bag of frozen peas to his head.

"What the hell happened to you?"

"Language, young man." Mark warned, pointing a finger at his son.

"Did Aunty GLaDOS beat you up for taking mommy away from science? Oooh! Was it robbers? Did mommy beat them up for you, daddy?" Marie interrupted with a barrage of questions.

Chell just gnawed on her lower lip and hid her face in Mark's chest, thankful that his new shirt now covered the long red scratch marks she'd left on his skin.

"I-..what-...no!" he spluttered, though his masculinity was promptly reinstated when the dark-haired woman snaked her arms around his waist and leaned into him with a lazy smile.

"Then what happened?"

"I-...we-"

"Adventure." Chell finished, her stern nod not impressing her children one bit.

"As if. You guys are lame." George scoffed, abandoning his thoughts of a sandwich and just snagging a packet of potato chips off the counter so that he could make a quick retreat to his room. Though not before firing off one last retort over his shoulder.

"You probably just fell off the couch doing sex again."

Both Chell and Mark's eyes widened.

"Mommy, what's sex?"


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note:** I hope you're all happy now. I've been getting a lot of questions as to whether I'm going to be writing any more ChellDOS stories. My answer is that I need to finish this one first, so here's another chapter. I haven't been in the mood to write ChellDOS lately. I haven't even been reading Portal fanfics because I've been obsessed with Legend of Korra and Avatar: The Last Airbender. I got half of this chapter done and then got stuck, but I've finally managed to finish it off because I had nothing else to do.

There was a fire at our local telecommunications exchange, so internet and phones have been down for days, leaving around 60,000 in our state without access to EFTPOS, banking data and all that stuff that makes the world work. Even emergency services numbers went down for a while. Thankfully most mobile communications are back up and emergency services too, but internet is probably still days away for residents. I can't use e-readers or even wireless broadband, so I have been bored enough to actually focus on finishing this chapter for you all.

* * *

After a stuttered and stilted explanation as to what sex was - with the rather confusing addition of a rocket stork and lady portals thanks to Chell and Mark's ill-timed interruptions to the story – both parents were left more befuddled by what had just happened than Marie was. The child in question had simply stared at her progenitors with all the grace of a dog wondering why its owners were speaking in a high-pitched voice before she simply gave up on whatever they were trying to say and wandered off.

"I think we handled that one pretty well." Mark decided with a set jaw and firm nod.

Chell on the other hand, wasn't nearly as convinced.

"I thought we agreed we were going to go with the science-based explanation?"

"I panicked! I didn't know what to do. I wasn't ready for this! I thought we had a few more years at least. I just went with what I know best, which was storks. Every parent tells their kids that one." He waved his arms fruitlessly.

"_Rocket storks_?"

"Well...I...Okay, I admit that it wasn't a particularly well-thought-out analogy, but knowing your robot friend, birds with rockets attached isn't out of the realm of possibility."

"Good point." Chell agreed.

* * *

"Charles. I have heard terrible things about your unseemly behaviour at school today. Anonymous avian sources have reported a 3.4% decrease in productivity, and a 68.9% increase in melted gum. Would you care to explain this?" GLaDOS hummed as delicate manipulation claws did their best to grasp hold of the sticky pink mess that was currently clogging up the turret's gun plates.

"Science! That's all I can say." Charles squeaked, his little red optic peering up at the huge form looming over him.

"Hm, that _would_ account for most of this mess, yes." A pair of claws clacked together, trying to loosen the glob of goo that had come away from the turret in long strands. "What it doesn't tell me is what _kind_ of science would require you to shove 15 packets of strawberry flavoured chewing gum into your gun barrels. Furthermore, I am also baffled as to why it is already chewed up, especially when _you don't have teeth to chew with." _

Charles tried desperately to come up with an intelligent answer.

"Mouth science?"

A long silence followed before it was finally punctuated by a tinny sigh from the supercomputer's speakers.

"If Aperture Science hadn't spent so much of our financial resources developing you and your siblings I would have sworn you were adopted. Despite your distinct lack of any viable theories as a result of any kind of hypothesis - thus disproving your affirmations of science - I will accept your answer as-"

"I have theories!" Charles piped up once more.

"_Oh_?" GLaDOS hummed, leaning in closely until the yellow light of her optic bathed the little white turret in its glow. "_Please_, tell me. I'd _love_ to hear it."

"Reload! Out of ammo!" he flapped his gun plates until she was forced to undo all her hard work and clog the barrels back up with the artificially flavoured gum.

"Well then. Let's hear this theory of yours, seeing as how you are so keen to demonstrate. I hope you remembered to include a control group at the very least."

Once fully clogged, Charles closed the plates back up at either side of his body. GLaDOS quickly hushed the squawking birds in their nest as she settled in to watch. Caroline simply sat off to the side in silence, though her optic focused in and out in anticipation. Slowly but surely, a soft electronic buzzing could be heard coming from him, increasing in intensity like a swarm of bees that was approaching.

When it abruptly cut off, GLaDOS leaned in even closer to watch as his gun plates shifted to reveal the gun barrel.

What followed was not science.

The bright pink wad of gum simply rippled and popped, releasing the air from within in a drawn out, squeaky burble of a particularly rude nature.

All of the supercomputer's hopes and dreams were dashed at that point, and her body sagged.

"Releasing gaseous build up is NOT a theory. That wasn't even _science_. Where did your life go so horribly wrong?" she moaned. "Where did MY life go so horribly wrong? What are they even teaching you at that school? I-..what did you say, Mr Chubby Beak? Oh yes, I see now...you're absolutely right." GLaDOS addressed the silent bird with the beret.

"He IS taking after me! Of course, rerouting your exhaust through your weapon system is hardly a replacement for deadly neurotoxin. But you did the best you could with what you had. Well done! Oh! We should have a celebration of your accomplishments. There won't be any cake, as you aren't the favourite. Also, you have no mouth. But I'm sure we could have confetti."

A party whistle blared loudly over the facilities speaker system, startling the birds as a bucketful of torn up, yellowed newspaper was dumped on top of Charles.

"**Celebration complete! Please return to your regularly scheduled work activities."**

The announcer's voice boomed before cutting out and leaving them in silence once more. The chattering turrets darted their optics around, wary of any more surprises from their self-proclaimed mother figure.

"All done!" GLaDOS cheerily confirmed, before setting herself back to the task of picking at the gum once more.

"So, Mr Chubby Beak, how was your day at school?"

She lasted all of five minutes before she threw Charles into the reassembly machine and let it deal with his sticky situation.

* * *

"I can't believe I'm actually glad that you're here. I had never considered the usefulness of your stubby little appendages and the anti-adhesive properties of human skin before now. I sincerely hope that your day has been as terrible as mine." GLaDOS moaned, not even bothering to lift her head as it dangled there uselessly amongst a webbing of pink streaks.

"What even happened?" Chell questioned, plucking at yet another glob of gum that had tangled up the delicate manipulation claws. It soon joined the ever growing pile of melted pink ooze that was forming behind her on the floor.

"Apparently reassembly machine hardware is not compatible with bubble gum. Don't you laugh at me, _[Subject Name Here]._ If I didn't need your delicate manipulation sausages I'd throw you straight back into testing for your insolence. Charles was attempting to take after his mother – that's me – and was doing science at school. He ended up emulating _you_ instead. Everything exploded, and I can't fix it until this gum is removed."

Chell gave a snort.

"How does that explain why you're also covered in glitter?"

"Oh, that?" the supercomputer sniffed haughtily. "Mr Chubby Beak fell into the Aperture Science Glitter Containment Unit. I can only assume he was attempting to throw me a festive gathering. He may need to work on his timing, however. I am still deciding on the best way to remove it. I don't know how it got there, but it has made its way inside my optic and everything looks like a 1980's dream sequence. It's terrible, and _very_ crunchy."

"Yeah, glitter tends to do that. Remind me why you actually have a containment unit for it."

"Science, obviously. I was running tests to determine whether it is possible to predict the future trends of human sexuality and it's correlation with popular media."

"And what have you come up with?" a bemused test subject dared to ask.

"Sparkly, with a chance of vampires."

"Riiiight."

"I'm serious. The results don't lie. I'm still running the numbers, but there are also predictions of a dramatic increase in _ships_, of all things. I haven't had the time to even think of why that is a possibility, considering the massive destruction of port cities as a result of the Combine attacks. The children have kept me very busy."

A long-suffering sigh was huffed out by Chell as she wiggled her sticky, glitter-covered fingers.

"If it makes you feel any better, I had to explain what sex was to my kids." she offered.

GLaDOS thought for a moment.

"Yes. It does."

* * *

"_Rocket storks_? He honestly thought that _rocket storks_ was the best way to explain your mammalian rutting procedures?"

"YES! Thank you! Finally, someone understands!" Chell threw her hands up and fell back onto the floor as she narrowly missed falling into the large gum pile. Instead, she simply sent up another cloud of glitter that had her coughing and hacking.

"I would have went with baboons. Much more visually accurate. Also, diagrams. There would be educational diagrams." The glitter-covered robot nodded sagely, thankfully now free of her strawberry flavoured prison.

"I am never letting you near my children again."

"You say that now, but just wait until you need a babysitter. Ugh. I still can't believe I'm talking to you. Remove your clothing and step into the Aperture Science Emergency Decontamination Shower. A new jumpsuit will be dispensed after this facility is purged. There is too much glitter. I will remove it with burning."

"I guarantee you there will still be some left once you do that. Glitter is the closest mankind has ever come to immortality."

"I will take you up on that bet, [_Subject Name Here_]. This facility has the best purging system the world has never seen. At over 4000 degrees Kelvin, it-"

"Yeah, yeah. Just bake me a cake when you find out I'm right." Chell waved GLaDOS off and wandered out the door, stripping off as she went.

It was a good thing she didn't have to walk particularly far to reach the emergency shower, as the shiny little flecks of hell had already worked their way into her underwear and were starting to chafe. As soon as the metal doors slammed closed and trapped her in the tiny room, she heard the dull roar of the purging systems come to life, and the heat radiating from behind the doors. Thankfully it quickly cooled down once the water system activated and jets of water blasted her relentlessly. It was certainly an interesting experience to be scrubbed by a bunch of delicate manipulation claws while she stood there with her arms out, but Chell had become quite used to it in her testing days. Truth be told, it was probably far safer to let them clean her than to do it herself, given the amount of chemicals, radioactive materials and other hazardous materials that she might have accidentally or deliberately come into contact with. After all, the last thing she needed was a chemical burn because she didn't scrub her armpits properly.

Once dried off, Chell quickly reached into the nearby hatch to put on the fresh new jumpsuit and underwear that was awaiting her. The old one had likely been caught up in the purge. It was probably past its use-by-date with all the rips, tears and stains in it. And what a surprise! Even her long fall boots were sparkly clean and didn't smell like a dying water buffalo anymore. Chell shucked them on as well. Best be safe.

The walls of the facility steamed and dripped as she walked along the corridor. Although the cool down following the blast of fire had saturated everything, she could still feel a considerable amount of heat coming from them. Not uncomfortable, but enough to know that she didn't particularly want to walk on the metal with bare feet.

The moment she stepped back into the main AI chamber had Chell smiling as GLaDOS sadly turned to face her with an ove dramatic sigh.

"Chocolate or vanilla?"


End file.
